We welcome you to share your thoughts and experiences of sexual abuse within the body of Christ.
It is our desire that this ministry will bring offenders and enablers to repentence and will aid victims in their healing with love and support.
All comments, testimonies and feedback will be reviewed before being published and we reserve the right to edit any content that we feel may be inappropriate.
About Us
- Dale & Faith Ingraham
- Corning, NY
- We have started Speaking Truth in Love Ministries to equip churches and Christian organizations with biblical guidelines in dealing with sexual abuse within the body of Christ.
7 comments:
I admire your passion for such an obviously sinful activity as sexual abuse, especially within the church. However, I am concerned that you harm the issue and cheapen it's seriousness by using incorrect statistics for shock value and make statements that assume that there are churches where sexual abuse is occuring, but no one is willing to stop it. I have spent my career as a minister and a counselor, and I know that your statistics are incorrect. I have also worked with many families with children who have been sexually abused, and I am not aware of any churches where this hideous behavior is blatantly ignored. Thank you for your work with hurting people, but please do not cheapen the issue with incorrect information. If you would like to reach me, you can email me at docasmith@hotmail.com. Thank you.
A few years ago we would have felt much the same way that you feel. Even though Faith had experienced sexual abuse at the hand of her pastor father we felt that she was one of only a few victims within the body of Christ. Even though we knew of other abusers and survivors we felt that the proper way to deal with the abuse early in our ministry was just to forgive and forget as church policy was. We did not realize that the silence was enabling the abusers to continue in their sin.
The statistics quoted on our website are quoted from several resources and are included in almost every book and resource we have looked at in preparing for our ministry. To name a few sources, "When Child Abuse Comes to Church by Bill Anderson published by Bethany House, "Surviving the Secret" by Kathy Rodriguez, Psy.D. and Pam Vredevelt, LPC published by East Hill Church; and "Invisible Girls" by Dr. Patti Feuereisen.
These statistics have been further varified by us in our experience and those who have shared their stories with us. Many women in our small congregation have come forward with the secrets that they have kept and how their offenders were not dealt with. We are not saying that churches are intentionally ignoring the problem but often we tell victims to forgive and do not hold offenders accountable for the criminal acts we are eager to accept a quick apology, excuse or minimization in order not to cause harm to the reputation of the church or family. Thank you for your thoughts
This is such a delicate subject matter indeed, but in defense of Faith and Dale...they are by no means doing harm to this issue or cheapening its seriousness. On the contrary.
I became aquainted with the Ingraham's, Faith's story, and their ministry through a link on a friend's web-site. I was immediately drawn to them because their story was so close to my own. When I contacted them, they were quick to reply, full of compassion and understaning and even made a three hour drive to meet with my husband and I personally. Through them, I gained a sense of hope for my own situation and also a hope that this vial behavior will be confronted and lessened in the church. I commend them for being willing to speak up. This is not a topic that people want to confront. The Ingraham's are brave warriors for Christ and deserve our prayers, support, and encouragement.
Two of my sisters were sexually abused throughout their growing up by our pastor father. The effects of this abuse spilled over into other forms of abuse; emotional and physical, for the rest of my siblings and myself. These abuses continue to have a profound impact on me today even though I am now an adult and have been in ministry for 15 years.
I believe these statistic to be true. I know of too many others whose stories match those of Faith's and my own. My husband and I worked with troubled children for 10 years and saw these statistic to be true. In the past month, my pastor husband had to intervene on behalf of a family where the "faithful church going" father is now in prison facing a senetence for abusing his twelve year old daughter.
The problem is that many victims have little or no voice where this abuse is concerned. I know first hand the control that an abuser has over their victim, place that in the venue of the church and I believe it is heightened. This is going on in the church, but we are not hearing about it because no one is speaking up about it. These become "family sins" that people are hesitant to talk about. They are also intensly personal and not easy for a victim to expose without feeling further violated in the recounting and in the reaction of the hearers.
No, a church is not going to blantantly ignore this hideous behavior, but I believe churches are not educated in how to confront the sin. In our family's situation, there are countless people from the church, in retrospect, kicking themsleves for not stepping up and doing something for my sisters. They saw bizarre behaviors, but didn't know how to go about dealing with what they were seeing. No one wants to suspect such things about a person in their church, and especially about their pastor. Sometimes it is easier to ignore or excuse the behaviors for "closeness", than it is to dig and uncover something wicked. None of us want to "meddle" into the affairs of someone elses family. Sometimes though, we need to do the hard thing, because it is the right thing.
How does one recognize when to step in on behalf of a child, and how do they go about that in a Biblical and Christ honoring way? I believe that is the spirit behind what the Ingraham's want to accomplish in speaking up in church about this sin. We need to take responsibility for protecting the children in our church, we need to speak up for those who are manipulated and controlled by abusers, many don't have the courage, strength or opportunity to do so for themsleves. For my sisters, it took them into their adulthood before they were able to come forth and confront our father. Some victims never come to that point. In the mean time, how many others are being abused by this perpetrator?
Something needs to be done and I am thankful to the Ingraham's for allowing a horrific experience in Faith's life to be turned into something the Lord can use for good in the lives of others in and outside the church.
Why tell my story? By telling our stories and other believing that it is true that we were hurt we can began to heal and put our lives in perspective. Once the story is out we don't have to dwell on the terrible secret we have been keeping. I want to share my story here on Speaking Truth in Love because I know there are others of you out there who know what I am talking about. We need each others support because so many do not believe us. Here is my story
I was the first born to a couple still in Bible School. At age three we went to Africa. It was the first that missionaries could travel after WWII. Within six weeks of landing my parents were by themselves starting a new mission station. My brother and I had a wonderful life, we learned Bambara better than English. My Mother taught me kindergarden, she was the best teacher I ever had. I still remember many of the things she taught me. I learned to tell colors by putting cans covered with construction paper next to my pet chameleon. The anticipation of Christmas after the packages came form America. Dad was working in the workshop and we couldn't look. Mom did stuff we couldn't see. I have great memories of being with my folks.
Then Mom started making me new clothes for school. I was so proud she looked in the catalog and made me new “tile” clothes. I was very excited about going to boarding school. Everyone talked about it so full of excitement. I left for school and forgot to wave good bye to my Mom, she was devastated that her little girl didn't mind leaving her mom. O how I wish she knew how much I have missed her over the years. School was exciting. I had a good teacher, she was strict by fair. She used a ruler when she took you out to the “woodshed”. But she didn't hit hard just so it stung a little. And she hugged us after she punished us. I don't ever remember her angry. We also did a lot of fun things in class. While I was at school the first term my brother died. The house mother told me about it but I didn't believe her thought somehow she was mistaken. She told me I didn't have to go to school that afternoon so I took advantage of it and got some extra attention. When I went home at the end of the school year I looked for my brother but never told anyone because I realized they had told me the truth. But I did have a new sister. My family went through a lot of hard times with sickness and had to come back to the States. I had second grade in cold Minnesota. It was nice to come home everyday to Mom and Dad and my little sister. Because of repeated ship delays to go back to Africa I missed one year of school.
I went back to boarding school for third grade. Things were different this time. The house parents where mean. I wet my bed once and she told me how terrible I was and that she was a good mom because her boys never wet their bed after 18 months. (What was my Mom she was great, she didn't get mad at me when I wet my bed, which I seldom did) When it happened again she spanked me with a paddle. I am a rebel and always have been so I screamed as loud as I could hoping everyone would hear but I didn't really cry because it didn't hurt. She told others she had taught me a lesson. I wet my bed every night until in the middle of the year when they were replaced and left at noon. I did not wet my bed after that. She also bragged that no child could trick her about being asleep. She would come in and talk to my roommate who was older and sat talking to her and waited to see if I was asleep. If you weren't sleeping when they though you should be you got spanked for it. My roommate was so proud of me that I tricked her night after night. She also told me I was very clumsy and should take tap dancing lesson. I knew then how much she hated me because she had just talked to all of us about how evil dancing was and we could go to hell for it. So I knew she wanted me to go to hell.
The next house parent were good but only finished the year. Fourth grade a couple came out from the States for their second term with all kinds of stuff for the school. They also came with a lot of bad ideas. One was the point system. You had to get points to go on hikes on Saturday. The rules were a mile long and they were given and taken as much as they liked you. Everyone knew who were their favorites, they always went on hikes, some kids never went and they were bad kids either. As I look back I realize the worst thing that the “uncle” came to the school for was the opportunity to molest girls. I had a different roommate at that time another girl in her early teens. Each night he would come to our room. First he would shine his six battery flash light in my eyes to see if I was asleep, remember I'm a good tricker. My bed was situated so I could lay with my head under my arm and see everything. He would sit on her bed and fondle her, staying a long time. I have learned since a number of girls were raped. I had no idea what was going on just that I did not like him. My roommate did not know I was awake and we never talked about him. I forgot about it sorta, I didn't really just refused to think about it.
We came to the States for an extended time because of my new little brother. We lived in Nebraska I went to a country school with my cousin and loved it. Then we went back to Africa and I was in the seventh grade. My little sister also came to school she was in the third grade.
During this time a new teacher came for the lower grades. I am sure she was mentally ill, or criminally insane. She threw things at the kids or threw the kids at things. Turned over desks with kids in them. She yelled all the time so you could hear her all over the compound. Those of us in the older classes would look at our teacher and wonder why she didn't do something about it. Later I heard she tried but got no where with those in authority. One day a first grader came back to the foyer (the house where we lived) with five bloody finger nail marks in each arm. The teacher had shook her for saying “yes mam” because she thought the girl was being disrespectful. The girl had come from a school in the south where that was respect.
We had to write letters to our parents every week. The older kids wrote for the little ones. We all hated having to do it. You could never write about what you really wanted to talk about because all letter were read and if the adults didn't like what you wrote you had to write it over. We were told to never tell our parents anything negative about what happened or if we felt homesick. Our parents might become so upset that they might leave the mission field. If they left there would be Africans who would never hear the gospel and it would be our fault. I did not tell my parents what went on at school in any detail until Wess Stafford's book TO SMALL TO IGNORE came out 45 years later.
We were encouraged to tell on one another. Often the whole group was punished until someone confessed. One little boy confessed and then because he hadn't confessed at first wore a sign that called him a lier so every one would know. They tried to turn the kids against each other. Some like my sister could do no wrong. She tried to be bad but they would always make her one of the best. When most of the kids are considered bad it is no fun being good. She was not the rebel I was, she is still nice. Kids were separated by age groups this kept siblings apart. I'm sure some of it was that older siblings would protect the younger ones if they had known what was going on.
Homesickness was a sickness you never admitted. Kids that cried a lot were punished. I know of one girl who was spanked because she ( a first grader) cried the second night and was told to tell her parents who stopped by before leaving for home that she wasn't homesick the night before. Don't tell lies or you get your mouth washed out with soap. Unless they told you to lie to your parents so they wouldn't feel bad about leaving you.
What did all of this do to me. The first 10 years after leaving school I refused to think about the bad. Also much that happened I thought was normal. I remember the day I realized my roommate had been molested night after night. Even then I didn't tell anyone not even my husband. I wrote a missionary lady about it she said to forget it. I couldn't forget it. I didn't talk about it until years later when another student called me and asked if I knew of any abuse at the school.
I begin to read about what abuse does to children and the effect it has the rest of their lives. Lack of trust of those in authority. Hatred of men. Fear of everything. For many no ability to build relationships many of us did not have good relationships with our parents. Many have been devoiced. One I know drank herself to death. You may be thinking God can help them get over it. Yes that is true God is always there for us but many of us fight wrong emotions all our lives. We were never innocent children. Some have a hard time relating to their own children. I am not saying that abuse only happens to kids in boarding school, it has also happened in a lot of churches here in US.
We were told anything wrong was our fault what happened. We live with guilt for years so we don't tell anyone about it. Some of us rebel against God and the church. Some against our parents because they should have never sent us to boarding school. First we had to realize what happened was not the way life should be. I was in my thirties when I realized what happened to my roommate was sexual abuse. For a long time I didn't think it had anything to do with me I was just mad for what he did to my roommate. When I realized that we were all abused spiritually when they used God to make us do as they wished I was angry.
When a group of Mks got together and approached the mission and they where pushed away as unruly. The mission did finally deal with the issue, and did a lot, but I still don't trust them. Will they cover up again if they don't get caught? I know a man who molested eight year old girls in another boarding school who is respectfully retired because another mission will do nothing. Why do “godly” men coverup sin? I still have no answer to that question other than sin in their lives.
What should I do? If I make to much a “fuss” I will be labeled as crazy. People want me to hurry up and forgive and pretend it didn't happen. What can I do? I think the best thing is to get together with others who have been abused. If you have been abused lets get together. You can contact me through this web site. I will believe your story. I will not preach at you as to what you should do. I will cry with you. I will pray for you. If you dumped God and the church I still want to hear from you. I need you. We need each other.
Those of you who have not been abused please don't come up with nice Christian answers, we have heard them all. Please pray for us. We will fight some of these issues all our lives. In God's plan for me it is OK to have these issues He will use them for my good. I have been able to talk to a lot of women who were abused here in US.
Shyre: "Anonymous" is so wrong. I was molested as a teen by a deacon in a church that my dad was pastoring. I never told my parents and didn't know how to stop the abuse, therefore it happened more than once. Later my sister told my parents he had raped her also. They did not do anything about it. They were afraid to say anything. I would go back home in later years and they would talk of this man like he was just fine. The pain was unbearable. I later found out this man had messed with girls in several churches. As an adult I finally tried to deal with the aftermath of the abuse after a suicide attempt. As part of this, I contacted a deacon where this man was a member(this deacon was married to one of my best friends). They did not believe he would do anything like that. Once again the pain was increased. During one of my husband's first pastorates a member of the church molested a young woman and she told the youth minister about it. He came to my husband, and my husband, along with a state trooper who was a member of the church, confronted the man about it. He denied it and all of the deacons stood behind him. The trooper ran a background check on the man and there had been numerous complaints against him, but he and the local sheriff were related and the complaints were ignored. Finally, five years later this man was brought to trial and convicted of molestation. To this day, some of the people from that church feel my husband was wrong for confronting the mand and bringing what he did to the light of day. I have lost count of the number of churches where this type of thing has happened and is never dealt with in the open. Many times a minister had been "quietly dismissed" and goes on to minister at another church. Thank God for your ministry. I hope it will open eyes to this serious and real problem.
Ephesians 5:3-13 is a passage highlighting all sorts of evils to have no asociation with, with sexual sins at the top of the list. It then exhorts us to be lights in this world but the key verse is verse 11 which says, "And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose [them]." nkjv
I would like to thank you for the work you do as you shine and expose evil in the church.
I would like to borrow a thought I heard from Chonda Pierce in a DVD she made called "Four Eyed Blonde"
When I was growing up in the seventies there was a book and then a movie made about Pastor David Wilkerson and in particular one of his inner city converts named Nicky Cruz. The book was called "The Cross and the Switchblade" It was his incredable testimony about working on the streets. I found the book to be a very captivating story and it was hard to put the book down. I thought, When I grow up I'm going to get me a testimony...And then I grew up and got one, -and it wasn't the one I wanted but rather it was a story of shame.
I was born into a family the 3rd son of what would eventually be 8 children.
One day my mom calls me when I was preschool (I'm not sure the age) and says, Johnny, would you like to help me do the garbage? ok. So we take the garbage out to the barrel to burn. She shows me how to light it and we come back to the kitchen and she says, Johnny, do you see these matches? They are very dangerous. I'm going to put them right up here see? Don't touch them, and she turns and walks away. Well my dad was a carpenter and knew how to make things strong and I got the idea that if I pull those 4 drawers under the counter out in a certain sequence it would make good stairs and that's exactly what I did. I stood on the counter where I could reach the matches and I got some newspaper and went to hide in the haymow to try to make my own little campfire. Eventually I realized that the paper was all gone but the fire was still going. Unable to put the fire out, the barn burned to the ground. Initially they were glad I didn't get burned in the fire but afterward they were not happy campers. I can remember getting beat for various things on a regular occurance over the years. All of it deserved. Sometimes I would get the, "just you wait till your daddy comes home!" and come 4:00 pm I would head for the back 40 and hide.
Around the age of puberty I started hanging out with a new boy from church named Dick. He was a little younger than me. He had a sister my age at school who was a high acheiver and I thought the family was fairly spiritual. I can remember his sisters rhyming off lots of memory verses and winning all the awards at church.
Well one Sunday afternoon, I think it was the first time I was at Dick's house, we were in his bedroom and he nonchalantly drops his drawers and starts playing with himself. He says, "I'm to young for this to do anything but my brother does it all the time. He found a porn book out in the barn." He then tells me about all the stuff his siblings are doing. It was simple exposure. No coercion or anything just a big smile. This guy was always smiling. That night I tried it at home myself. Around our house I didn't really feel good about myself but this felt good for the moment. Afterwards it was letdown and guilt. After awhile this was not exciting enough anymore and I tried sneeking into my sisters' room in the night like Dick told me they did. After I did that for a while I thought I'd try another sister. This time after I crawled into her bed she woke up so I crawled out and left. However, she told her sister who told our mom who confronted me about it. I didn't know what they would do to me if it happened again but I was scared silly and didn't want to find out and that was the end of that praise the Lord!
Today I have one sister who is a pastors wife giving talks about how she was abused and another sister who was a homosexual for a few years and left that relationship with her nerves shot and unable to hold down a job. To this day she is on medication.
As I have matured the seriousness of my actions has been all too apparent and it has given me a passion for the love, protection, innocence, and opportunity children deserve. Like protection from exposure. But I will ever be thankful for God's grace and the night I got caught, -saving me from a multitude of sins.
Johnny.
I have just seen the film All God's Children here is a quote about the film
"The Beardslee, Shellrude and Darr families left North America for West Africa during the 1950s. They followed what they believed to be “God’s Calling” – to spread Christianity throughout the world. Their children however - starting at the age of 6 – were required to attend the boarding school in Mamou, Guinea, run by the Christian and Missionary Alliance. Cut off from their families for 9 months out of the year and without any reliable means of communication, the children quietly suffered emotional, spiritual, physical and/or sexual abuse at the hands of the all-missionary staff. "
This is the web site http://www.allgodschildrenthefilm.com/The_Film.htm.
It is well worth seeing.
Post a Comment